I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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