That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
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