i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
