Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
he had hair everywhere except his balls
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
