if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
ttyl tear gas
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize