JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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