you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
