twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
