You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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