I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
