Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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