I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
