Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
