I could make wine with my vomit
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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