you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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