For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize