ADVERTISEMENT

• (847): View more from Illinois

  Just so you know, I have a bf.

  (405): View more from Oklahoma

  I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.

  Fav 7 4370 1006

  share tweet
  

• (514): View more from Quebec

  Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.

  Fav 19 1148 4796

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (712): View more from Iowa

  My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!

  Fav 34 7093 1644

  share tweet
  

• (248): View more from Michigan

  I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.

  Fav 4 4418 1464

  share tweet
  

• (805): View more from California

  found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.

  Fav 3 1632 1113

  share tweet
  

• (519): View more from Ontario

  He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.

  Fav 13 2827 1081

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (610): View more from Pennsylvania

  Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?

  Fav 5 2816 1108

  share tweet
  

• (417): View more from Missouri

  So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.

  (1-471): View more from

  That's all you talk about when you are wasted.

  Fav 13 2962 1266

  share tweet
  

• (347): View more from New York

  I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.

  Fav 24 1045 2756

  share tweet
  

• (914): View more from New York

  Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator

  Fav 2 1050 585

  share tweet
  

• (772): View more from Florida

  I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.

  Fav 2 113 260

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (+61): View more from Australia

  It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration

  Fav 2 131 57

  share tweet
  

• (608): View more from Wisconsin

  I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.

  Fav 0 61 22

  share tweet
  

• (850): View more from Florida

  i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.

  Fav 0 26 23

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (478): View more from Georgia

  Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel

  Fav 0 32 6

  share tweet
  

Randomize