If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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