Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
You don't make any sense
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