I just pynch a tree in the face
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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