how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Randomize
