It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
