Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize