I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
