Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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