i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
