i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
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