I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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