We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
