ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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