my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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