Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
We need to rekindle our bromance
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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