I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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