i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
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