remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
