Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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