I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
