there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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