I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
