so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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