I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
