Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
