would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
