apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Randomize
