but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
So apparently I’m into choking now
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
