I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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