she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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