I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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