I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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