I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
