Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
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