bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
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