So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
