This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
