The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
