On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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