You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize
