We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
