p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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