I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
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