did you get engaged???
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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