Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
