babies were throwing up all over the place
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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