i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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